Shonen Survival 1

Bear with me folks, I'm trying something new here.  It's going to be a series of articles (since I know its hard to digest the longer stuff) that basically came about from me spending too much time in my apartment by myself.   Hopefully you'll find them as hilarious as I do.

Inevitably, if a group of geeky people sit down and talk long enough, just as certain as Steven Blum's next voice acting role, one of them will eventually utter these words: "I wish I lived in an anime universe."   And from there the discussion will, at least temporarily, veer off into what anime universe do you wish you could live in.  Depending on the group, you'll get different answers, but almost ALWAYS there'll be someone who will mention some shonen anime series and talk about how awesome it must be to live there.

But, is it really?  This, is a semi-realistic look at what it would be like to be a normal person in a shonen anime series.

Dragon Ball Z



So let's start with the grand-daddy of them all (at least to American fans, plus I was never able to watch Saint Seiya), the one series responsible for a whole host of 90's kids getting into Japanese animation in the first place: Dragon Ball Z.  On the surface, this would seem like a fairly safe universe to get involved in.  Yeah, tons of villains are constantly attacking, but all the fights take place miles away from most human civilization, so all you have to do is hope you can run into the perverted old man with shades and just hang out with him until you learn how to fly.  Right?

Chances of Survival: LOW.  Oh, wrong.  So, so, so, so very wrong.  To give you an idea of just how fucked you are, Nappa's first response upon landing on Earth was to vaporize the city he and Vegeta landed in.  No ceremony, no power-up.  Just boom.  And that's only the start of your worries.  Cell spent weeks terrorizing the entire human race, sucking up any and every human he could find, draining their organic matter until the only thing left was the useless remains of his victim's epidermis.  And since Cell eventually went toe to toe with people who's power levels were in the millions and humans are generally only around 2-7 or so, guess how many cities he had to go through before he was considered a threat?

Think you're safe if you live in the country?  Really?  You DO know they just seek out places that don't SEEM populated with people, and once they get there they can't really focus on your tiny, insignificant 5 of a power level so if an errant energy blast capable of shattering mountains just happens to take you out...sorry?  At least you died in the service of a greater cause: One of the Saiyans had to see how strong the villain REALLY was before he showed his secret new technique/Super Saiyan form.  Your sacrifice was not in vain.

 It's pretty much a guarantee that every human on the planet dies at least once, and in all likelihood, multiple times.  You DO get wished back to life with the Dragon Balls though, which is something the heroes not only know, but take advantage of when they need extra time to train.



 Hiding's kinda pointless too though, since just the characters powering up (Hero or Villain) alone causes earthquakes and storms that would spend at least a week being talked about on television in the real world for the enormous death counter they'd rack up, which is something they don't usually mention in the series, for somewhat obvious reasons...

So at this point, you're probably thinking, "Well shit, I'll just start training so I can take on the bad guys myself!"  ...Good luck with that.  This is Dragon Ball Z and everyone knows humans aren't capable of getting jack-shit done.  At best you'll attempt a poorly planned out suicide attack after the bad guy of the week beats you senseless.  Which will fail.  Stay at home and wait for the Saiyans to finish the guy off.   You can play a game with your friends where you each try and figure out just how many weeks you don't remember going by because some douchebag with energy powers obliterated you.

Okay, that's Shonen Survival 1.  I hope you liked it.  My plans are to put one up a week, so be here next week for a new installment.

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