Having finished my last week of school, I'm heading into finals. Though most people are panicking, I'm fairly stress free. My first final is an Intro class, and while my second is Physics, the third is Japanese, which I'm fairly good in. ( でも、この じゅぎょうわ、とてもむずかしいです。。。) Calculus is last, which basically means I packed this semester full of courses that most people would rather quit college before taking all at once, if at all.

...Of course, the pressure is taken off somewhat (hah) when you're failing half of these.

I could blame this on a lot of things. I could blame it on the fact that friends always want to hang out. In high school I had three friends that I would actually count as friends. Everyone else was an acquaintance who I spent only the time I would see them in class with. In college I'm meeting or being introduced to new people constantly, and I've easily made twice as many friends in two semesters than I did the entire time I was in high school. It's generally a good sign if people *want* you to hang out with them, and I've never been one to turn down LEAVING my house.

I could blame it on the weather. Tornadoes, snow, thunderstorms...who wants to work? Within days after returning to school we had a snow day...and another one a few weeks after that. It's hard to really get started working when you're checking your email every couple hours to see if school is going to be canceled.

I could blame it on my mother dragging me out of the house at least 2 days out of the week to go to my grandparents and help there, where it is almost impossible to get work done because no one is capable of shutting up, or not talking to you if it's obvious you're attempting to work.

See, I *could* blame it on all of these, or a number of things I didn't even describe. But I'm not in the habit of BSing myself.

Yes, coming to the end of this semester leaves me with the overwhelming feeling that absolutely no one even pretended to give a crap that I was in school, but it's not THEIR fault. It's mine.

The truth is, most of the time I just didn't FEEL like doing the work. About mid-way through the semester, I realized that I just didn't care for the major I was going for. And anything I would want AS my major likely wouldn't involve those classes. So off the bat, I almost immediately stop caring about Calculus and Physics. I kept telling myself I SHOULD do the work, but I never got around to it.

When I would get home, in those few hours I had to myself, I would waste time surfing the web, reading manga, playing Yu-Gi-Oh! (Tag Force) and watching any number of shows on SageTV.

And I could've said no. I could've told my mom and my friends to leave me alone, I was trying to work. But for one reason or another, I didn't. I chose instead to help, to go hang out, or whatever.

No matter how you slice it, my grades are my fault. And blaming people won't change that. And yelling at myself probably won't either, though I wouldn't know because I haven't tried it. Seems a waste of time when I could be planning my next move.

Even failing though, I refuse to just quit, so for finals I'll be going full blast and hopefully develop the proper studying habits I *never* had in high school. I'm hoping to get A's in all of my individual classes, even though this likely won't save my grade in the end. That's fine; eventually I'll retake both Calculus and Physics.

It's true, I don't NEED these classes to graduate...but I want to prove it to everyone that I *can* get A's in these courses; I just didn't.

In the meantime, this next semester will see an increased focus on courses I care about. A writing class, more Japanese, some programming (it's not the's the MATH >_<), and so forth. I'll be working at learning to both balance and manage my time properly, so I can accomplish more in my waking hours than refreshing my geek news sites more often.

It also occurs to me that I *could* be working on actual comic scripts. Or proper notes for each individual universe, if nothing else. I've got a lot of things swirling around in my life, but success generally comes to people who are fueled by their workload, not hindered by it. I'm learning to be the former.



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