Thursday, March 27, 2008

Jesus Is A Superhero!

And the second new post!

I'm realizing that even though I've done a lot of yakking on here, there's a lot people don't know about me. Beliefs, political stances...I usually keep my mouth shut about those because religion and politics stir up so much shit. But hey, this place IS where I get to say what I want.

As far as beliefs go, I'm actually Christian. Very Christian. Well. Not "very" in the sense that I'm conservative or fundamental (I stay far away from both those crazy bastards), but "very" in the sense that I believe very firmly that Jesus died for my sins, and that said belief allows me entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven. I do my best to pray nightly and read at least a chapter of the Bible everyday, if not more. Even though I have some peculiar ideas on being Christian, I'm incredibly devout.....nevertheless, I can't help but take note of things sometimes that seem out of place, and when thought about in the right context, are downright hilarious.

Which brings us to the title of my new entry, and the point of all this. After reading the New Testament all the way through (aside from that very annoying last book), I've learned something: Jesus was the world's first superhero.

I kid you not, readers. Having read the first four books of the New Testament, I realized that when God sent His Son Jesus Christ to Joseph and Mary, he sent a prophet, a savior....and decided to make him a freaking superhero to raise his awesome level to universe-busting levels.

C'mon, think about it! Every other issue of a superhero comic you see them throwing down with supervillains....and every three chapters of the New Testament Jesus was chucking a demon out of the body of some poor schmuck. Demons, supervillains, tomato tomahto.

And of course, there's no such thing as a superhero without superpowers (unless your name is Captain America or Batman...but Jesus-Cave just doesn't quite have the right ring to it...and Resurrection-Cave is way too long). So, let's go down the list, taking Bible verses and picking out what powers Jesus had. Here we go!

"Now it came to pass on a certain day, that he went into a ship with his disciples: and he said unto them, Let us go over unto the other side of the lake. And they launched forth.
But as they sailed he fell asleep: and there came down a storm of wind on the lake; and they were filled with water, and were in jeopardy.
And they came to him, and awoke him, saying, Master, master, we perish. Then he arose, and rebuked the wind and the raging of the water: and they ceased, and there was a calm.
" - Luke 8: 22-24

Holy shit, weather control! He's got Storm beat by nearly 2 millenia. Come to that though, Mark 6 has him out standing on the water in the middle of the sea, which means he's either got super-speed like Flash or chakra control like the characters in Naruto. The second sounds closer so Jesus wasn't just a superhero, he was a ninja. (He's the one that taught the Fourth Hokage how to be so awesome...too bad he didn't teach him the whole "come back to life" trick. Actually while I'm on an anime tangent I should point out that the whole water to wine thing sounds like some FMA-style alchemy. And, if not that, I would call it matter control, which is still another superpower.)

Matthew 16:7-8, Matthew 22: 15-18, and several other areas strewn throughout the Gospels have Jesus using telepathy to understand both the thoughts and intents of not only his disciples but the Pharisees that kept quizzing him. Next up...

"Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered.
And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the tree withered away.

Plant control, man. Which makes him either the male version of Poison Ivy or Kwame from the Planeteers. (One-fifth of the way to Captain Planet! ...Actually with the Wind and Water Control thing he's three fifths of the way...if he burnt a bush like His dad and started talking to animals I think I'd just go ahead and say he found the Planeeteer rings...but that would make me wonder why he never called up Captain Planet!)

And of course lastly, there's the whole death thing. Death has been a revolving door for superheroes since Jean Grey came back after the end of the Dark Phoenix Saga in the 80's. Jesus, of course, being the first superhero, started the trend by dying and then coming back in three days, which is a record that, to my knowledge, has yet to be broken.

So there you have it. Even leaving out his absolutely sick healing powers and the possibility of invisibility, Jesus was our planet's first superhero. All he really needed was a cape and an emblem on his chest. And obviously a Christ-mobile.*

*This exercise in Thinking Outside the Box was brought to you by Deez Nerds Productions, as well as Sage Co. Remember. When you need utter awesome, you need Sage Co.