College Life Part One
It seems odd that I've been in college for two and a half months and really haven't talked about it. (Yet, simultaneously, there's a post coming up about my attempts to catch up on comics.)
That's really because I'm not quite sure what to say, but this is what separates real writers from would-bes, so let's see what I got:
It feels nice. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm happy to be back in school. Sure, there are lots of assignments I don't really care about. But you know what? Its really great, just to feel like I have a purpose, again.
Let me back up. In April or so, 2006...my Spanish teacher asked me where I was going after I graduated. My answer, as it had been since 2005, was, simply: "I'm taking a year off."
I am rather certain she was not expecting that. After all, I was doing excellent in her class and seemed to be a rather studious, intelligent person that had his entire life planned out. But that's not true. That's...really, never been true. I have flirted with the idea of various professions, but they are all (as any good profession) labor-intensive, and that burning passion that causes one to put in countless hour after hour...simply was not there. For any of them.
My teacher laughed at me. She told me I should go to college, but eventually mentioned that there were benefits, for those who actually went back to school after taking time off. She said they tended to work harder, be more serious about their studies. "Naturally," I thought to myself. Upon seeing how difficult the real world is, especially without a college education, when you are given the chance to get back in school you double your efforts so you don't fail.
But my life has never been particularly easy. I've been blessed, certainly, but as a child I was definitely short on silver spoons to nurse on. I thought to myself, "I know how hard the real world is. I waste time like that--I'll take this year off, figure everything out, and be back in before people even miss me."
In all fairness, initially that WAS the case. Rather than wait a full year, by December of 2006 I had decided to start school. I was going to persuade my girlfriend to go with me--we would rent an apartment together and do the happy student couple thing. But, as she dealt with the loss of one parent and worried about the health of the other, she pulled out of things and eventually (for completely different reasons we won't get into here) we broke up later that year.
My own attempts to get into college failed when I couldn't find anyone with decent transportation,not just to help me get to and from school, but to even finish the registration process. My intentions of attending college in Fall 2007 were forgotten as everyone around me proved too busy to help out while the re-building of my grandparents' house was going on.
By December 2007, after two relationships that left me emotionally drained, my head was honestly anywhere but school. And my head was still not on school after getting involved in my fifth relationship. (This is the one I've mentioned most frequently on this site.) The biggest problem with this one came when, not long after we got involved, she moved to another part of the country and I was faced with the decision of starting college here or saving up to move and starting there.
In the midst of making that decision, I had...what is likely best described as a mental breakdown in October. Barely holding on to my sanity, it was only through God's help, and hour upon hour of meditation and prayer that I pulled myself together again. I thank God for bringing me back, frequently.
With all of this, undaunted, I began my second attempt at college. My girlfriend and I made plans on what we had to do for it to work, sketchy as they were, and we set to it. I was happy. Excited. I had a plan for my life and I was elated. ...But amidst all this, there was a problem.
After a year in a long-distance relationship, things grew strained between my girlfriend and I. This created a new stress--my life is here. Friends, family, home...all here. I was leaving everything to be with her, and my biggest nightmare was that after so much time apart we could not make it work and would break up. That would leave me, at best, in an apartment with an ex-girlfriend. At worst, homeless.
Eventually, after working up the courage, I approached her about it. In a twist that caught even me off-guard, she said she felt that it was, indeed, possible that could happen. I panicked. (Got hysterical, might be closer to the truth.) I want to say we argued but that would be wrong. I got upset and depressed, she apologized, and we did not speak for the next three weeks. This isn't her story though, nor is it the story of our relationship--so to make a long story short, a week after we spoke again, she and I broke up. Fortunately at this point I was so emotionally numb from a cycle of relationships that never lasted any longer than 14-16 months, when she broke up with me I only wondered what was coming on television next.
By this time it was April 2009. I tried to get things together anyway, on my own and in a different city (before I ever decided to move to where she lived, I took note of the fact that Seattle's Washington State's Computer Science major is almost built for game designers), but without an apartment and with school finances not lining up at all, eventually I let it go.
Still. I refused to spend another year out of school. It was August, but I applied to get into MSU. I had already been accepted once (just not fully registered), so that part was a breeze. In all the hustle and bustle of settling into the new apartment, I actually almost forgot that I'd applied to MSU at all.
Eventually though, the disatisfaction I had with and distaste I felt for myself was overpowering. Lying about doing absolutely nothing with my life turned my stomach. I knew I was better than this, and plan or no plan I refused to wait even a single extra day longer than I needed to.
I rushed to wrap up the last things necessary to attend and got in just under the wire. I don't have a career path yet, really. And I do not have the slightest clue how I will pay for the debt I am racking up.
But life isn't a movie. It's not a television show. We are rarely touched with divine knowledge on what to do with our lives. And whether we are or are not, life goes on. That means that more important than anything, is the desire and the drive to put one foot in front of the other, and move forward.
(I really should go on to discuss college life, but that is a great line to end on, isn't it? And this thing is long enough. A Part Two is in order.)
That's really because I'm not quite sure what to say, but this is what separates real writers from would-bes, so let's see what I got:
It feels nice. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm happy to be back in school. Sure, there are lots of assignments I don't really care about. But you know what? Its really great, just to feel like I have a purpose, again.
Let me back up. In April or so, 2006...my Spanish teacher asked me where I was going after I graduated. My answer, as it had been since 2005, was, simply: "I'm taking a year off."
I am rather certain she was not expecting that. After all, I was doing excellent in her class and seemed to be a rather studious, intelligent person that had his entire life planned out. But that's not true. That's...really, never been true. I have flirted with the idea of various professions, but they are all (as any good profession) labor-intensive, and that burning passion that causes one to put in countless hour after hour...simply was not there. For any of them.
My teacher laughed at me. She told me I should go to college, but eventually mentioned that there were benefits, for those who actually went back to school after taking time off. She said they tended to work harder, be more serious about their studies. "Naturally," I thought to myself. Upon seeing how difficult the real world is, especially without a college education, when you are given the chance to get back in school you double your efforts so you don't fail.
But my life has never been particularly easy. I've been blessed, certainly, but as a child I was definitely short on silver spoons to nurse on. I thought to myself, "I know how hard the real world is. I waste time like that--I'll take this year off, figure everything out, and be back in before people even miss me."
In all fairness, initially that WAS the case. Rather than wait a full year, by December of 2006 I had decided to start school. I was going to persuade my girlfriend to go with me--we would rent an apartment together and do the happy student couple thing. But, as she dealt with the loss of one parent and worried about the health of the other, she pulled out of things and eventually (for completely different reasons we won't get into here) we broke up later that year.
My own attempts to get into college failed when I couldn't find anyone with decent transportation,not just to help me get to and from school, but to even finish the registration process. My intentions of attending college in Fall 2007 were forgotten as everyone around me proved too busy to help out while the re-building of my grandparents' house was going on.
By December 2007, after two relationships that left me emotionally drained, my head was honestly anywhere but school. And my head was still not on school after getting involved in my fifth relationship. (This is the one I've mentioned most frequently on this site.) The biggest problem with this one came when, not long after we got involved, she moved to another part of the country and I was faced with the decision of starting college here or saving up to move and starting there.
In the midst of making that decision, I had...what is likely best described as a mental breakdown in October. Barely holding on to my sanity, it was only through God's help, and hour upon hour of meditation and prayer that I pulled myself together again. I thank God for bringing me back, frequently.
With all of this, undaunted, I began my second attempt at college. My girlfriend and I made plans on what we had to do for it to work, sketchy as they were, and we set to it. I was happy. Excited. I had a plan for my life and I was elated. ...But amidst all this, there was a problem.
After a year in a long-distance relationship, things grew strained between my girlfriend and I. This created a new stress--my life is here. Friends, family, home...all here. I was leaving everything to be with her, and my biggest nightmare was that after so much time apart we could not make it work and would break up. That would leave me, at best, in an apartment with an ex-girlfriend. At worst, homeless.
Eventually, after working up the courage, I approached her about it. In a twist that caught even me off-guard, she said she felt that it was, indeed, possible that could happen. I panicked. (Got hysterical, might be closer to the truth.) I want to say we argued but that would be wrong. I got upset and depressed, she apologized, and we did not speak for the next three weeks. This isn't her story though, nor is it the story of our relationship--so to make a long story short, a week after we spoke again, she and I broke up. Fortunately at this point I was so emotionally numb from a cycle of relationships that never lasted any longer than 14-16 months, when she broke up with me I only wondered what was coming on television next.
By this time it was April 2009. I tried to get things together anyway, on my own and in a different city (before I ever decided to move to where she lived, I took note of the fact that Seattle's Washington State's Computer Science major is almost built for game designers), but without an apartment and with school finances not lining up at all, eventually I let it go.
Still. I refused to spend another year out of school. It was August, but I applied to get into MSU. I had already been accepted once (just not fully registered), so that part was a breeze. In all the hustle and bustle of settling into the new apartment, I actually almost forgot that I'd applied to MSU at all.
Eventually though, the disatisfaction I had with and distaste I felt for myself was overpowering. Lying about doing absolutely nothing with my life turned my stomach. I knew I was better than this, and plan or no plan I refused to wait even a single extra day longer than I needed to.
I rushed to wrap up the last things necessary to attend and got in just under the wire. I don't have a career path yet, really. And I do not have the slightest clue how I will pay for the debt I am racking up.
But life isn't a movie. It's not a television show. We are rarely touched with divine knowledge on what to do with our lives. And whether we are or are not, life goes on. That means that more important than anything, is the desire and the drive to put one foot in front of the other, and move forward.
(I really should go on to discuss college life, but that is a great line to end on, isn't it? And this thing is long enough. A Part Two is in order.)
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